A Meaningful Burger

There are times that try a person's soul. There are moments when your faith is tested. Faith in God... faith in yourself... faith in humanity. They are moments affixed in time that continue to appear in your minds eye for the rest of your life.

Sometimes you learn from them. Ever and again finding something out about yourself that you'd rather not bring out into the light. Occasionally though you rediscover something about yourself that's good, something you might have forgotten.

These events don't have to be major developments in your life. For me they've been little more than snapshots. Often poignant albeit brief.

One such occurrence haunts me to this day. It was at the same time uplifting, awkward, sad, and telling. Ultimately, I still haven't found a place for it in my consciousness. What I take away from it is not easily said... or written about. I'll let the reader of this blog be the judge.

It was not so long ago at all. I was freshly separated from my ex, and as I recall it was the second time I was without my boys for the night. Feeling lonely... I didn't much feel like cooking, and of course all the cliches about "keeping busy" to take my mind off my solitude kept parading through my mind.

I did have a craving for a burger... a good burger. So I decided to take the "keep busy" advise and get out and get a burger from a nearby local favorite establishment of mine. I decided to call ahead and pick-up the food, as I really wasn't ready to be out in that setting for too long. But the idea of just feeling the fresh air of the night did appeal to me.

When I arrived I was promptly told my food was not ready yet. It was the only thing that's EVER happened "promptly" at this restaurant. Famous for good food... and bad service.

So I stood leaning against a wall in front of the bar. As the moments went on and the bar became more and more crowded my anxiety grew. I really didn't want to see anyone I knew. I just wanted to pick up my burger and go. It was a big step for me just to be there... I got out, got my fresh air, and really just wanted to be home again.

My apprehension was at it's peak when just then I noticed a little girl standing behind her mothers leg. She was all of 5 years old and adorable! Big eye's, curly hair, and all dressed up as if she just left some formal function.

She looked so small in the crowd of adults, and she was bored. Her mother stood talking to her friends facing the bar with her back to me.

Then suddenly she beamed with the prettiest smile in my direction...then quickly hid behind her mother's leg.

She slowly poked her head out just enough to check and see if I smiled back. When she saw I did, she made a "funny face" at me... then quickly hid again behind her mother's leg before sneaking out once more to see my response.

We happily repeated our little peek-a-boo game many times, coming up with as many "funny faces" as we could think of. You'd think I might have been saddened by the fact that I was interacting with this unknown little girl instead of my own boys whom I missed so much, but I wasn't sad at all. Instead I was happy to do it! It helped me fill the void of not having my sons there to do it with.

Suddenly all the apprehension within was lifted from me. This night was at a time in my life where I lost myself a bit. A time where I questioned everything I thought I knew about myself. A time of little confidence and faith in the world around me. But I was so honored that this anonymous little girl picked me to bat eye's with. That she found my visage... my mug, to be the friendliest face in the place.

Through the eye's of a child so much faith was restored in me.

Then suddenly her mother turned around, saw me... looked me dead in the eye's with disapproval written on her face. She reached around to clutch her little girl and quickly pull her around to her front where she could no longer see me.

The irony was not lost on me. The bitter irony that I was now so isolated. In my "other" life, my past life, the life I had just hours before... I was a parent just like her. I NEVER would have gotten that look of disapproval. She never would have shielded her daughter from me.

I just wanted to implore upon the mother that I'm not one of "them" (whoever "them" is). That I'm one of the good guys. I wanted to plead to her that I too have children... two amazing boys. One, as a matter of fact roughly the same age as her daughter. Who knows, maybe they even know each other!

I wanted to have that great conversation all us parents know. The one where we compliment each other on our kids and take so much genuine pride in doing so. I wanted to be a member of that club again. But it was not to be. On this night I was single. A single guy waiting for his food. I was an outsider. And it was cold outside.

Just then I snapped out of it as the bartender called to me that my food was ready. I made it untouched by the crowd to the bar to pay my bill. I was careful not to look in that little girls direction. But as I reached down for my wallet I noticed a piece of chrome trim on the bar that was perfectly placed to reflect that little girls face as she stuck her tongue out at me one more time. Already, even at that early age... she had to get the last word in.

It wasn't so cold outside anymore as I got home.

It was a good burger.

... and that's the view from here.