Stale Cookies

I used to wonder about the value of prayer. I once pondered the validity of miracles. At one time in my life I thought children said cute, funny things that really didn't have a much deeper meaning.

I was wrong.

I don't believe God directly answers your prayers. If you need a new car and really pray for one... it will not simply appear in your driveway. I believe God is more subtle than that. But I firmly believe that people are put in your path that CAN answer your prayers. People that... if you can recognize them for what they are, were put in your path for a reason. These people contain the answers or can point you to the path of salvation. They have the life experience, wisdom, and compassion to help you. But seeing them for what they are is only half the battle, it's also up to you to utilize them.

I don't believe in coincidences. I used to... but no longer. I don't believe random occurrences mold or shape our lives. I feel these events are the work of a force beyond our ken.

One such event happened to me on one of the absolute worst nights of my life. There was unrest in my home. It was about 2:00am and I could take no more. I took a walk.

Sadness filled my soul and tears fell down my face. Suddenly I was surprised by the lights of a vehicle coming around the corner. It was a friend of mine. She slowed down and pulled over. She humorously told me she had run out of diapers and was just returning from buying some. Then she noticed I had been crying.

Moment of truth time.

I'd like to think of myself as an honest man. But I'm also a private person. What do I say?

But with wet cheeks on display, there was no point in pretence. I was caught red handed. I told the truth.

To this day I'm glad I did. This woman and her husband literally took me in and became foundation rocks for me. For all these years since, their friendship and guidance has been like a beacon to me. And NONE of that would have been possible without me opening up to the forces in play. Without me recognizing that this was NOT a coincidence. There was a REASON she and I were there together at two in the morning on a fog fill street... there just HAD to be.

Another such instance was a story I've told my friends many times. It happened shorty after my ex-wife and I separated.

We were at a Little League game for my eldest son. I was sitting on one side of the field. My then wife, on the other. I was seated on the lowest row of bleachers, when suddenly a woman tapped me on the shoulder.

She was sitting above me and to my left. When I turned to look up at her, I was nearly blinded by the sunlight behind her head. I could barely see her, but she looked so lovely somehow.

"Excuse me for asking,", she said. "I know we don't know each other... but is that your wife sitting over there?"

When I answered that it was, she said,"I thought so.", and continued, "So you're recently separated, I take it?"

After I told her that I was, she informed me she could tell because we reminded her so much of her and her ex when they first became estranged. For the next ten minutes she was able to impart upon me more wisdom than a lifetime of counseling session ever could have if I ever went down that path.

She was incredible. She taught me lessons I'll forever remember.

Then she was gone.

Delmar is a small town. I always felt I'd run into her at some point somewhere. And if I did I'd be sure to thank her so much for all she did. But I never got that chance.

Surely, that was not a coincidence. Clearly that meeting was meant to be.

Being divorced is hard. I know I'm not breaking any new ground with that statement. Being a single parent is the most important and rewarding task I'll ever undertake. Lately I find myself questioning the wisdom of my ways. It's like a constant state of angst. The end of my marriage was bad. Things were happening all around me out of my control... bad, hurtful things. I had to get out of there, and I did.

But what kind of man am I who left that bad situation? Am I a brave person who left the life he had in the hopes of making a better one? Or am I a coward who fled his problems... but left his children behind to deal with them?

To be fair, my ex provides a fine home to them. But every home has it's problems. You never know what happens behind closed doors... and I have some insight into the other side.

Not that my home is a perfect place either. We all do the best we can. But my boys do see a contrast in their two homes... for better or for worse. I still hope as parents my ex and I fill each other's gaps. I hope my boys get the best of both of us. The legal system being what it is, I was able to do no better than gain my children's custody half the time. So the ex and I share them 50-50. But wouldn't our children get the "best of us" more easily if we were still together?

I'm constantly looking for some sort of sign that I did the right thing. Some signal from above that things are meant to be this way. Being divorced often feels like I'm living someone else's life. That's an unsure feeling to have. I'm not at all comfortable with that.

Quite often, the signs come in the form of what children say. You know that old saying? "Children say the darnedest things." Well, they do.

On a day recently I asked my oldest how he was coping with our family situation. I was interested specifically in knowing whether he wanted to sign up for any applicable counseling programs. He replied forcefully, "DAD, you and Mom are NEVER getting back together. I'm in the car CONSTANTLY! I'm ADJUSTED!"

He told me!

When I approached my youngest, his response was more quiet, "Dad, it's ok. I'm never really alone. You're always with me in my heart."

That's wisdom. That's the answer I was seeking. At least for now.

Recently we've had some troubled times. Situations that have put my former wife and I at odds in the presence of our boys. They have been tense times... trying times for me. I've had occasion to see relatives and friends of hers for the first time in many years. For me... former family...former friends. She brought them into our marriage, she took them away with her. That's just the way these things work. (I have my own stable as well!)

I've already written above that it is my belief that God DOES answer our prayers. He just doesn't do it in the grand manner most people would expect. Similarly, I DO think miracles happen. They do exist. But they're not "out of this world" events. They're not "spectacles" for the world at large to marvel at. No, they too are more subtle in nature. They are quiet little happenings, that again... if recognized for what they are will show you the true nature of things. They will re-awaken you with hope. They are the diamond in the rough, or the silver linings of the stories of life. Quite often they come from the mouth's of babes. I believe my son's responses to my concerns were examples of these "little miracles".

So in a hostile crowd of former friends, with hypocrisy filling the air... I'm looking for SOMETHING. Some sign that I've done the right thing. Some sign to bring back my belief in the human condition.

But at that point it would take a miracle.

I got two.

In a tense moment after terse words were spoken and harsh glances exchanged, I turned to the unlucky former friend who was sitting next to me and, just to break the ice I said, "So you were the unlucky one who got elected to sit next to me?"

This person took my hand, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Larry, I volunteered."

I was stopped in my tracks and overwhelmed with emotion. Wow. That meant so much to me.

Those words... that action, could have cost that person much. Yet it was a time for the truth to be spoken. I hate hypocrisy in all it's forms. When the truth of those words cut through the hypocrisy like a warm steak knife through butter, it was invigorating. I could feel the relief. It felt like a new start.

Later in the day I was seated in a church. The signs and symbols of God all around me, but I found myself in a den of thieves and liars. The same cast of characters as before, but this time they were a little more bold in their hostility towards my presence there. In THAT room of all places.

A little boy near me had just come back from taking communion.

I watched as he turned to his father and said, "Dad, God's cookie is stale."

I broke out in loud laughter!

It sure is sometimes, kid.

That little miracle was all I needed.

... and that's the view from here.